couldnt make it to 1y9m,  20+4 in total. rmb this. when i called my mum, she said she was in the hospital n not at the right time of talkin to me, gosh, i was so scared. then i called her twice n she wouldnt pick up the phone. finally she called me back after n hour, thx god it's juz some minor events concernin my uncle....... they waited in the A&E for 3 hrs!!! it's scary to be kept inside the drum ><.... n such a pity that i hv no sound to turn to, when i need it most n doubt myself most. can u rmb it?

this entry has been on my mind for quite a while, n out of all the coincidences today, i'v decided to put it down now. this is for me, n u, every1 of u that can make sth out of my words. this entry comes from the movie "500  days of summer", juz as it introduces itself, this is not a love story, this is a story about love. it is n ordinary day, or one may say, a day out of all odds, that tom met the grl of his dreams, summer. n out of all odds, they become couples, all the way wif summer playin along n tom hangin tightly on. n as the majority of all other couples, they separated finally, wif summer passin lightly to her next path n tom, devasted by the "fact" that he had lost his 1,  breakin every pieces of his world. one day, summer came back, married, n she said the most important line of the whole movie, ' it's out of all the coincidences that we meet the one we r waitin for. n who on earth can tell us if this is it, but time will come, when u juz know." some of us r one of those lucky ones that got their bingo in the very 1st round, some of us give it a few more tries n got their prizes, yet some of us ended up leavin empty handed because they deeply believe, or may i say, they convice themselves that they hv missed their chance, n so they induge themselves in grief, n r neva willin to get over it. this is the way human show their weakness, juz becaz they hv a bigger brains then all the other living things on earth, juz becaz they consider themselves to be smarter, juz becaz they can walk straight n upright, they always hv the tendency to place all the trust in themselves n constantly reinforce themselves to be RIGHT, no matter how wrong they r all along. these r the ppl who know it all along, but need the extra step of acceptin n movin on. however, there r still a few of us that dun fit into all the categories above, they r exactly the opposite of the last type of ppl, they doubt themselves. they doubt themselves so much that they too, ended up hvin nth in the end, they juz simply dun believe that they can be, or deserve to be lucky. pessimism is supposed to be our ancester's strength, caz it's only wif the ability to question themselves, that one can improvin n grow into stronger predators.  but these ppl hv exhausted their strength, to such n extent that they ended up being the strongest predators yet hvin n enemy that they cant defeat, their very own self. they can still win, if only they r willin to lend n extra hand in fightin against their enemies. of course, there r still those who simply goof around, which i hv no intention to explain. fairy tales do happen, but in most of us, we r playin poker instead, we wait in line wif eagerness, draw cards wif thrill, bet money wif fear, lose games wif tears, we give it a few more trys wif hope lingerin around, until we finally got our round n walk out of the casino wif joy. when n whether we can complete the process depends on our resorces, our strategy, our attitude, our faith, our competitors n most of all, luck.

this is only my view at this very time pt, maybe, someday i'll find that this whole entry a joke, or someday, i'll find that i was one of the victim that i so confidently wrote about. anyway, who m i to judge, when i m still strugglin in my own game.

ps: in the end of the movie, tom met autumn.

i wish i can spend more time writin without feelin guilty. i loved writin once, before my chaotically busy life drived this hobby out shamelessly, now i can only say that i like writin, caz i m not the one who used to write so effortlessly. the degradation of our english level by a lee, ha, everyth juz flased back like yesterday. how many times hv i told myself, not to look back n regret, either u dun do things that u'll regret, or u dun look back at all. but no matter how hard u try, there r still seconds, minutes or hours in ur life, that u accidentally fall into a trace n drop into the endless deep hole of ur past. there r so many things i could have done differently, so many choices that i could hv taken a better road, n so many undone things that i could hv done. i wish, i wish i was a better sister, a better friend, a more talkative child, i wish to gain more weight when i was young, to look twice before scratchin my hand over that vase, to think twice before puttin steriod on my legs, to think thrice before handin my hamsters over, i wish that i hv taken more care in storin my photos, to work harder on putongchua, to take more photos at sch, to take more photos of myself, to spend more time wif my friends n family, to treasure the leisure time that i once hv, i wish to hv continue my hobby of writtin. every liitle decisions i made carry a little consequence behind, n these little consequences link up to become wt u r now. juz as deperate housewifes said "mid-yr crisis occur when a man suddenly wakes up, n find that his whole ife is laid so plainly in front of him, of the so many things that he couldnt done, n the so little things that he could only become, n that's when he did sth out of his habbits( not the exact wordings)" n so i say " my teens-endin crisis occurs when i suddenly wake up, n find that my whole life is laid so plainy in front of me, of the so many wishes that i hvnt fulfil, n the so many impossibilities in fulfillin them, n of the so little things that i could achieve n the so little achievement that i could every hv" but would i do sth unusal, i doubt. how pathetic. but now that i m a loner, at least i could save more time to think for myself, n to spend time on things i want. these days, i hv picked up the weird hobby that i neva thought woud be on my list, to take photos, of mysef, of myself wif friends, of the litte things around me, of the big things beyond me. all thx to those stunnigly beautiful photos that my cousin took wif her bf, so eyes-catchin, that i, honesly, go over them again n again,always wonderin how on earth can happiness show so genuinig from some dead frozen smile, how ever can beauty n prefection leak so peacefully out from the unmovin world captured under the cold lenses. i no i would neva be able to take such gorgeous photos, n neva hv the patience in learnin the skills, but at least i could take some quere photos of wt i want to rmb. as in charlotte's web "this is some pig", i hvta say, this is some entry.

suddenly my heart hurts so much is it me or is it real it's me juz my weird little thoughts my constant punch into dark cold waters losin confidence as usual can it stop will it stop who will stop dun believe in miracles this is the problem i juz dun hv faith but this hurts walkin away like this left here doubtin confused n bumpin into colder n darker corners maybe its juz not workin it's ok ill b fine

hey guys, i m goin to india this afternoon. as for when i'll be back, i'm not sure. let's juz hope that all of us can come back safe n sound. this is reali a difficult trip, from the very beginnin when we'r naggin beggin n bargainin with the hospital to now when we r pleadin, hatin n cursin the india embassy. gosh, seems like more terror r yet to come. let me juz briefly explain our situation, n plz allow me to use the dirty words to express myself. at 1st, we juz wanted a tourist visa that costs $300+ , but after the fuckin india visa counsular sonofabitch knew that we'r volunteerin, he demanded n X visa that costs $625 n lots n lots of proof. so, we complied n supplied him wif all the things he needed, we kept on goin up to his office in this 2 weeks juz to leave with dismay. finally, after all the hardship he gave us, we r given a visa yeaterday, n we were thrilled. however, when we got back out passports, we found that the f.i.v.c.s. gave us 15 fuckin days of stay only FOR NO REASON AT ALL. we begged, argued,did everyth we can but wasted all ur effort. now, we'r facin with any problem, if we get to india, how are we goin to come back. our return tickets r on 24june, but our visa will be well expired at that time. we tried to change the tickets, but the agency said that there wont be 7 places for us. so the last resort is to upgrade ourselves to business class so we can get a place back. i dreamed about flyin in business class, but not fuckin in such a fuckin circumstance. n i hv no idea how fuckin more money we need to save our ass from the fuckin  india prison. ok, calm down. sorry for all the discomfort my words cause. ok, back to the bright side, at least we can go to india now, if we can make it out of the departure. now, all we can do is to hope for the best, i believe that there must be a reason that god has chosen this road for us. lets juz pray that u wun see the 7 on us on newspaper in these few days, n pray that miracles happen. but plz, if there r miracles, this is reali the best time for one of them to happen.